"Upon opening the can one is greeted with a forbidding stench." Or, why I no longer bother to post nasty reviews
Plus news on new drinks, new eateries, and a book that teaches you to make callaloo and saltfish fritters
While digging through AlcoholReviews.com’s copious files, I came across my brutal review of Lomza beer from February of 1999.
With absolute honesty I can confess there is nothing good what so ever about Lomza beer. Lomza is egregious—outstandingly bad. Like Schaeffer, Red, White, and Blue, or maybe Cook's or Drewery's, it is thin, watery yellow, and gritty. The taste is reminiscent of drinking from a burst, rusty city waterpipe. In fact, if memory serves, I can actually stomach multiple cans of Schaeffer (assuredly nothing to brag of), but Lomza choked me after a few ounces. Upon opening the can one is greeted with a forbidding stench. And the taste, well, it damn near gagged me. It is gross, really gross, and no stretch of the imagination can make my mouth declare otherwise. Each sip brings a violent reaction. The mouth says, "Oh, not bad," then the tongues screams, "God damn, that's fucking silty and bitter!" The face then begins to contort terribly and the torso and arms curl forward as the stomach cringes at what's to come. Had anyone been watching me as I tasted Lomza they might have thought I was having an epileptic fit.
I can laugh at it today, but I certainly do not imagine myself writing such nastiness ever again. I banged out this rant when I was in my late-20s. I was unmarried, childless, and perhaps even petless—but maybe at the time I still had my iguana, Peeper.
I was in graduate school and had a dissertation to complete, but I had plenty of time on my hands. So whatever I tasted —good or bad— I wrote about it.
Now, I’ve less time on my hands.
Sure, my writing motor still runs hard, but I would rather devote my energies to sharing word about the good things in life. Drinks worth trying. Books new and old that will educate, entertain, or expand our minds. Places to visit and things to do that bring joy.
The good things in life. There are so many; so why waste time on the bad stuff?
For sure, I have tasted some bad things recently and read some lousy books. They wasted my precious time—so why would I bother spending more time on them by banging out an irate review? It’s chasing sunk costs.
Subsequent to my vicious review of Lomza I was told that it actually is a good beer and that maybe I had gotten a bad can.
Maybe, but life is short and I’m not feeling the itch to go back and doublecheck. I’d rather spend my time doing things that are guaranteed to edify me—like feeding Crowlista Flockhart.
Good news you can use
Democrats: Little Miner Taco in Brentwood, Maryland will offer $5 mini “Piña Kamalas” to celebrate National Rum Day on August 16.
Coffee quaffers: You can now purchase single-serve Steeped Brew Bags. These are completely compostable coffee bags are available in light, medium, dark, French, and decaf roasts. They are like tea bags—simply pour hot water on one and voila, you have a cup of Joe.
Jersey denizens: Nutley, New Jersey is home to a new fine rstaurant, the Hudson Rose. It serves classic American fare (short rib Poutine, whole dry aged duck, etc.) and a 500+ bottle wine cellar and Negronis on tap.
Jersey spirits lovers: Meximodo restaurant in Metuchen has more than 1,000 different tequila and agave-based spirits.
Virginia peeps: Soujourn Fermentory is opening in Suffolk. You can drop by to taste their European lagers, ciders, and barrel-aged stouts.
Rod Stewart fans: Rod the Bod, singer of baudy tunes (Stay with Me) and heart-tuggers (Mandolin Wind), has a whiskey. Really. Wolfie Whisky is a blended Scotch that is packaged in a clear bottle with a cartoonish, lupine label.
Scot Louie lovers: Guess who has a new cook book? Yep, your fave celebrity stylist and VH1’s The Impact: New York cast member has published Tastemaker: Cooking with Spice, Style and Soul (Weldon Owen). It includes recipes for cocktails, brunch, desserts, and more. Callaloo and saltfish fritters? Oh, my.
Oenephiles: Looking for a new grape? Erik Martella Wines makes vino from the muscadine grape, which are native to the American southeast. Martella is using two of the 150 varieties of muscadine, and are available for purchase online.
Non-drinkers: Fortune reports the non-alcohol beer/spirits/wine industry is now pulling in $565 million in revenues. Speaking of which, Tsingtao has launched Tsingtao 0.0, which I tried, and is clean and crisp.